Maybe circumstantial circumstances haven't helped. Burning the candle bright on going to sleep late and waking up early, too much coffee, intermittent meals and late night sugary snacks. Not enough good work done to finish university assessments, hours spent staring at blank screens.
Prelude to lunch. Going in you wonder about signs. Smiles, Hi, how are ya's, chats. Signifiers or camaraderie? The latter I discovered. Disappointed less by completion that expectations. That queasy blend of wanting something you think you should want when you're not sure you really want it. Unmet desires towards someone you are not even sure you desired. Root causes? Loneliness? Societal expectations?
Cause not a concern, effect is. Good lunch, talk & now back to burn out city. Effect is a yearning, feeling of being let down somehow, bullshit build-up on something I should not have had faith in. Ignore, smile & repeat? Hard to. Return to thoughts on giving up. Maybe if I liked John Lennon's music & hadn't re-enacted his shooting for a photo in front of the St. Marks hotel I wouldn't feel this way. Maybe Guitar Wolf will arrive on black motorbikes spewing flames to tell me "Lock'nLoll will never die!" to revive my faith. Maybe I should get back to work and ignore it.
15 hours ago
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